Grandma and her two cents worth

Every time I speak to her over the phone or pay her visit I am left reeling with laughter and with plenty of food for thought. This is why I cannot wait to see her over my vacation, plus she made me promise to anyway seeing as how she is in her "Grace years" as she likes to call them; kind of like extra time where that whistle can go off any minute. And this she says with a hint of laughter. I tell her she’ll be around for quite a while. She is a tough nut.

My grandma; I don’t even know where to begin with the phenomenal that is this woman. I am overcome with emotion whenever I think of her; this woman who raised me and to whom I remain forever indebted, who shaped my ideals, who I feel a deep and profound love and adoration for. I am in awe of her sheer strength, her unshakable Faith, her compassionate nature, her wit and wisdom and her charm. She has lived to see four generations -now that’s a feat- and all generations through we appreciate and hold her in high regard. She has touched each of our lives in a special way. We all have a tale to tell as far as this wonderful woman is concerned.

For me it’s the first few years of my life which I spent with her. When my mum was off completing her undergrad studies, my grandma nurtured me. I applaud my mother; having me young did not stop her from pursuing her dreams, and achieving them, she made no excuses, expected no sympathy nor loved me any less. She took it all in stride and pressed on. I am truly proud of her. Those are some wonderful memories -me and my grandma- I still fondly remember this lovely little basket she kept in the living room, especially for me, filled with juicy oranges freshly picked from the garden by her, which I was treated to after a long day at school, and we all know school can be pure torture for a kid.  I remember her dressing me up for church every Sunday and me sitting up next to her at the front pew. She has always played an active role in church; I admire her Faith evident in all she does and passionately stands for. She is an astute believer in God’s overall role in every aspect of our lives from creation, to our daily existence. Her Faith inspires and rouses all around her and has remained unmoved by the changing tides of time and circumstance. And it has been tested no doubt. She was not bitter at the passing of Grandpa -if anything we all drew strength from her- and as he lay in hospital, those last painful days, no one needed to tell her he was gone. She knew the exact moment he had breathed his last. How many of us can boast of such a connection with their spouse? The love those two shared I’ll be forever in awe of. They were inseparable and in an age where expressions of love or treating each other as equals was not too common, I have to commend these two. Submission as I have observed through her is not losing oneself rather it is appreciating each other’s role in a relationship and having mutual respect for each other. It’s not about yelling matches but learning to listen -difficult as it maybe- while the other is talking and then stating your case as you would to a friend and finding a middle ground, compromise. And of all else a lifetime partner should first be a friend, because for such a commitment there’s a lot more at play beyond all the temporary fiery passions. It’s not about who ‘wears the pants' in a relationship it’s about recognizing each other’s strengths and building on them and collectively applying them to build something of value. It’s not about finding fault and playing on each other’s weaknesses but rather compromise; there’s what initially attracts you to your partner, the mistake we make over time is averting our eyes from these wonderful things and focusing instead on each other’s shortcomings and before we know it we no longer feel the same, we become revolted by the sight of each other, we begin to fall out of love. You need to revert your focus back to what drew you to that person in the first place, it’s all still there you just became blinded to it over time. In doing this you will begin to cherish each other more and rekindle the flame once again. We easily lose those that we love because we never take time to make it work. She was always meek with grandpa; she let him hold the fort while she run the show behind the scenes. He adored her; his respect for her was evident. She was forever at his side, never behind him. He valued her insight. They’d claw at each other sometimes but the love was never lost and in no time they’d be laughing over a joke either of them cracked. They were a vision of happiness these two. Never did they keep in silence or let the sun go down on an argument. And when he was taken ill, she was by his side till the very end.

She is appalled at the sham we have turned the marriage institution into. Women no longer appreciate their role in marriage –we feel so liberated now we want to steer the family ship in complete disregard of the men. Men on the other hand appear to have lost sight of what their role is exactly. A marriage is a partnership, a union, not a power struggle, going about it as such beats the whole point of getting into one in the first place. Dear enlightened woman -not all men are evil and they do like to be in charge and that’s unlikely to change. Let him reign, play up his ego once in a while. So what if you are more educated? Or make more money than he does? It doesn’t make him any less of a man and there really is no point in rubbing it in, making him feel inferior in the process, that is cold and uncalled for. Dear man - excessive control over your woman is not how you assert authority, neither is aggression. Take care of your own, always, evading responsibility is a sign of weakness and just plain unacceptable. Applaud your woman’s achievements, complement her, support and protect her and work in some romance while you’re at it, we dig that. Companionship is human nature. It is possible for two people to share a happy and fulfilling life together so long as they keep their pride and ego in check, and learn not to blow up trivialities. If there’s a problem, nip it in the bud; keeping it in only yields more problems that are even harder to resolve.    

They upheld the value of hard work, my grandparents, respect for self and others, discipline, were virtues that were ingrained in us from the minute one could walk. I remember we’d all get up early, my cousins and I, and join them as they set out to pick flowers (they farmed pyrethrum) we just loved running in the endless beautiful fields; picking and laughing and playing our way through. Whatever the tasks we did them together making them less daunting. We might have been up to our necks with chores -that’s inevitable when you’re living on a farm- but we were all content because we understood what needed to be done and everyone’s role in all of it and the whooping one got if they failed to do what was expected of them. I had quite an early start on all matters work.  At the end of the day when we were all done we ran around in the grass (my grandma’s yard has the softest, forget carpeted) and played in the moonlight till she called us back to the house when it got late. One thing I admired about them is how they treated their workers; feeding them -on a daily- paying them well and on time. It was a valuable relationship they had, one of mutual respect.     

She is a fiery one my grandma, despite her diminutive nature. She needs no amplifier when she needs to be heard. She speaks her mind. She, just like many who watched as the country fought for and attain independence knows the true price of freedom. We should not take democracy for granted; we just need to look at other oppressed states and the turmoil they’re in to appreciate its worth. Allowing ourselves be influenced by our selfish so-called leaders who most times don’t see beyond their noses is truly a sad affair. Stay informed; knowledge is power. Love thy neighbor and seek divine guidance in all you do. On a lighter note she doesn’t get the logic of my prancing around in 7-inch heels which in her view are uncomfortable and worse still might leave me with a damaged ankle. I of course promptly remind her of the sky-high platforms that they rocked in their days.  She still went and got me the loveliest boots though, and what do you know, they were high heeled -how sweet. She misses the point in walking around in clothes that are barely there, we might as well walk around naked “oh how times have changed” she mourns. “Didn’t they rock them shorter in the 60’s and 70’s?” I argue, “Well back in those days people were definitely not as blatant or half as wild as the lot of you is today, running around like all the blood done rushed to your heads” she quips. She’s not overly cynical, she appreciates that times have changed, yes, what she can’t stand is how our values have become eroded over time. And I don’t blame her, a shameful lot we have become indeed; self-centered, egotistic. It’s all about self-interest, the age we’re living in; success at whatever cost, self-gain in relationships. Whatever happened to extending a hand to one in need? Most of us have lost sense of direction we live as though we are of no purpose and are more of a burden than of value to those around us. Spirituality has become fourth nature to us; no wonder we’re lost. “God save us all” she pleads.

She is loved and cherished by her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. To live to see 83 and make light of the challenges that come with old age is a reflection of a self-assurance one can only hope for, an amiable strength.

 She is blessed. In my eyes she is a legacy and I am proud to bear her name.

 

Different shades of me..

I have to credit this first to my tattoos, or rather the discovery of one them by one of my colleagues sparking off all sorts of speculation  And second to my man who is convinced I'm alien sometimes. Now before you go thinking me a freak I’d like to state that I have only two -tattoos that is- and subtle ones at that. One of them is at the nape of my neck so it’s hard to miss at times while the other is a story for another day.  “What is that!?” he yells, startling me, I almost fell off my seat. “You have a tattoo!?” he continues, “Oh, that? Well it’d appear I do” I casually reply trying to down-play it but knowing full well there is no way of wiggling out of this one or changing the subject. He can be quite persistent, my colleague. In a span of 10 minutes everyone in my department -and within ear shot at the time- was acquainted with my tattoo. “Yeah yeah” I broke out “I have a tattoo, the sun rises every morning, now people please get over it and get as you were”. No one would hear of it of course. They had a long moment with it. Then it hit me that the issue wasn't the tattoo at all but about the very fact that I had one. They were like “Flo has a tattoo? Now who would've thought?” This is because I am what they call ‘still waters’ and yes it’s true what they say about those, they do run deep. I’m a mystery to many. I come off as a snob to some, but this doesn't bother me much. I do not go on about mine to everyone who cares to listen. I do share the occasional joke and even engage in a bit of gossip but that’s as far as it goes. And most know not to mess with me, unless of course I start something. Over time I've come to appreciate that it’s of utmost importance to have and observe boundaries at the work place. Never get too close or say too much; it always gets ugly. I advise that you keep your interactions professional, don’t stretch a joke too far and learn to be intuitive of people and to do this you actually need to shut up, observe, listen, not yap on thoughtlessly (mostly for attention) embarrassing yourself in the process, do that and you will save yourself a whole lot of awkward, regrettable situations. But that is the office. And just one of my many layers, I like the different compartments that is my life.

There is the intelligent side of me that takes life way too seriously which is in sync with my spiritually inclined side and I must say I don’t like the guilt trips these two take me on. Especially when I’m busy trying to live the moment -they keep reminding me of the next. It’s that part of me that thrives on success, on deadlines and meeting them, always plotting on how to improve my self-worth or towards attaining self-actualization. Whether it’s feeding my intellect by learning more or that little voice of reason going; “So what are your future career plans? You should know time’s not waiting out on you" or “That’s enough sugar! Are you trying to eat your way to diabetes?" Often when am delving into my sinfully delicious ice-cream or pizza "And let’s not forget the calories!” And just as I am handing in payment for that lovely something I just purchased for myself “Impulse buying again huh? Just when do you intend to get round to saving with all the spending? And don’t even think about getting that credit card” And just as I'm downing that drink partying it up “you do realize alcohol is bad for you on so many levels right? And all that partying will only drain your pocket. Get off the temporary highs, will you?” Sometimes I want to shut it up so bad. Often because it sounds so much like my folks that it’s not even funny. I find myself retorting "Can I enjoy myself for one frigging moment without you interrupting me? It’s not like you’re handing me two lifetimes so take a chill pill, spare me the wise talk and zip it.” That actually works for a while. I however embrace this about me -much as it exhausts me at times- because it keeps my feet firmly rooted in reality, out of pitfalls and ever hopeful.

Miss young-at-heart with her every day is a holiday attitude. She’s playful this one. It’s always like I’m a teenager again. I shed off my Miss Independent heels and get into my kiddie flip flops making it easier to keep up with our 9 year old youngest of the brood. It’s hard to be around a child and not be one yourself. We’ll be bicycle racing, jumping on the couch  -my mum is mortified at this of course, I tell her I intend to stay young a long while and I get that “no kidding” look with a sigh and a smile. Trying to beat each other at video games, riding out with dad to check on the farm back only in time for dinner –Lord do I miss Mama’s cooking. It really doesn't matter how old you get or how grown you perceive yourself as, when it comes to the folks you’re still their little tot so take it in stride and do as you’re told and yes they still know what’s best. And when she adorns her silly hat even Charlie Chaplin ain't got nothing on her; my man would know I have him in stitches half the time. Even I don’t believe how silly I get sometimes. She loves goofing around. And we all know laughter is good for the soul. Now this child-at-heart I hope to take to the grave. She is unstoppable! Pumped up! So free and giddy with joy!  

Then there’s Miss Nurturing. Compassionate; she’s all heart this one. Often times when someone I care about approaches me with an issue, I instinctively want to do everything in my power to help. My needs take the back seat. And work myself up in the process I do. I’ll carry the weight of the problem as if it were my own and feel every bit of emotion it stirs. I find it hard to stay detached or say no sometimes. Over time though, I've come to appreciate that I won’t always be able to solve each and every problem presented to me. That saying no doesn't necessarily mean I'm not concerned; it simply means that much as I would love to help I simply can’t because I am not in a position to or because taking it on at the moment will only lead to a system overload. And with that I offer other suggestions or referrals, without feeling guilty about it. But there is something wonderful about this all too caring side of me too; like when I share something, it could be material, a gesture or written and it touches another’s life: now that is simply uplifting. At that moment I feel I have truly lived, and done something worthwhile while am at it. It may have something to do with my tutor instinct which is only natural having graduated with a bachelor in education; of that all I can say is there is something quite fulfilling about imparting knowledge on eager keen minds.  The experience is so enriching. It’s a secret passion of mine that I hope to explore at some point in my future. When you’re in the process of helping another in whatever way or form, whether it’s offering your time, wisdom or resources in essence you end up helping yourself. It’s transformational, you cannot remain the same. And when she loves she immerses herself completely in it, there’s no holding back. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt but appreciates that not everyone is worth the credit. Having her heart open, she is not spared in pain either, she bruises easily but about love; it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all for one hasn't lived until they have loved and experienced love in return. And for everything that happens, she appreciates that there is a reason or a lesson there in.

The Rebel, now this one I like to keep a leash on along with Miss Party Shoes; these two have gotten me in more trouble than I could care to count, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been pile loads of fun! They do as they please completely oblivious of naysayers. Two phrases get the former going “You can’t” worse still “you’re not cut out for it”. Those are sure to set her off on a roll just to prove that indeed she can, despite the odds. She charts her own course and is not easily fazed. When she wants something she goes out and gets it. I often reflect on how I moved out of home. I had gotten to that stage in life where I felt all mature and ready to take on the world and quite frankly I’d grown tired of the rules and curfews that came with living with the folks. Now I knew the only way I’d be let off was if I could prove to my hard-to-convince dad that I was capable of taking on that kind of responsibility and what better way than to scout for a job and get one all by my own. I love the look of awe my dad gave me when I spat out “I got a job!” he wasn’t even aware I was looking. “Well, congratulations!” This was my first job and I was so proud of myself at that moment I could’ve handed me a trophy. So after a couple of months I felt it was time to move out and let’s just say that bit of news was not well received. “This is only your first job!” Fired my dad, “Have you even thought about what living alone entails? The costs involved? It's not just about freedom you know!” My only response was “Well if I don’t get to it now I’ll never learn will I?” he instantly knew this was a losing battle because when I resolve to do something, it’s pretty much done, there’s no point in trying to stop me whether it was going out all weekend with my friends -the trouble this got me into- or getting my first job and ultimately deciding to move out. And so it has been with most pursuits in my life from way back leading up to the here and now. Telling me I can't only fires up the urge to prove the contrary. Tying me down only spurs the need to break free. She has broken many a hearts along the way this one, the moment is all she’s about, having a ball, and making no apologies for any of it, did I mention having a ball? Fearless, dramatic, bold and fun, tame her I do try but it’s no easy task being the free spirit that she is. But the thing I love about her is that she beat the odds and did what they said she couldn’t. She’s fallen many a times but every time she has picked herself up and moved forward, chin up. She makes mistakes but she knows better than to dwell on them. She has grown in confidence despite a troubled past, embraced her weakness and learnt to build on her strengths. She knows the importance of forgiveness and letting bygones be. She’s fully aware that only she is in charge of her destiny drawing inspiration from within, from those that mean her well and from the creator of all that is beautiful; God. She cries when she needs to, laughs heartily and is not afraid to love. Or start over. She’s at peace with self. And naturally it is she that decided tattoos were a good idea and the rest only thanked her for it. As for Miss Party Shoes, I take her out every so often, all I can say of her is she has a flare for life and she sure can get down.

Do I have a predominant personality? Not really I tend to glide from one to another and I like that about me. I don’t have a favorite color but colors to suit the different shades that are me, neither do I have a favorite song it’s more the Music of My Life which am always moving in rhythm to, not missing a beat. And if there was a thing I could change about me it would have to be nothing. I love every layer that is this woman and everything she’s about, flaws and all.

Embrace all that is you and love thyself!