Of little things and their weight..

By the end of the week I'm normally treading a thin rope as far as my energy reserves go. Interestingly though, I got home last night and out of the blue decided that my living space needed revamping. Drained as I was I somehow found the energy to drag furniture around and do some cleaning –the things one can do when they’re inspired. Now it’s not that there was anything particularly wrong with the space as it was, I just felt like a change just to elevate my mood. I labored tirelessly and was quite pleased with the results. In the end I had a sparkling pad that looked refreshingly different. And just like that I felt better my long week forgotten. I then lit some scented candles turned on the music of our lives and got to boogieing in front of the mirror -yeah I still do that- and I'm afraid I might never outgrow that. It’s a great stress buster and a fun way to take the edge off after my long days. And watching oneself goofing around in front of the mirror is bound to crack a smile out of even the hardest of souls. And if you can learn to loosen up and laugh at yourself every so often (it's never that serious you know) then you've unearthed one of life's treasures.

I then called the family and I think I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard this question from my kid bro “when are you coming home??” and it always grips my heart because I can no longer do those random show-ups for dinner with his favourite pizza in hand. You know absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Before moving away I couldn’t stand the chaos that was our house most times, but being miles away as I am now, I’d give anything to experience that if only for a minute. Chasing kid bro around the house cleaning up after him -love him to bits, his coming into this world really brought all of us closer together as a family he was God sent- my dad and his elaborate but informative lectures on every single thing -he is an academician at heart an intelligent and wise man whose story about his rise to the top inspires us all and everyone that meets him, my mum reproaching me for one thing or other –I’ve always been quite a piece of work and no one knows this best than my mum and in spite of it all she still loves me unconditionally. I am amazed by this woman’s strength and her faith; the things she has been through are a testament that indeed there is a God and we might be weak but He is strong enough to take us through whatever we might be dealing with, all that and her sense of humour just makes me swell with pride for her. She doesn’t stop either, recently signing up for her PHD, all I could say is you go girl! I miss my family, and when small bro ardently responded “we miss you too” on the phone I was on the brink of tears. Dysfunctional or not family is simply irreplaceable, something to cherish.

 The family.  We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.  ~Erma Bombeck

I remember years ago when my younger brother and I were at each other’s necks constantly, sibling rivalry they call it. I should pause here and say I'm glad we outgrew that, I love that young man so much am so proud of what he has achieved, of the fine man he’s grown into, of his ability to rise against the odds and not lose his identity in the crowd –something most of us still struggle with. I admire his passion for the things he believes in as his loyalty to those he loves. Ok I’ll stop now, am getting all emotional. So there was this one time I lashed out at him for messing with my stuff –for like the zillionth time- it seemed he took pleasure in ticking me off. I admit I was really harsh but he asked for it. Smart little brat then run off and told on me to dad, of course twisting the story to make me look bad, and man did I get a whooping  -when you’re the first born everything is mostly your fault because you should always know better- so not fair. I was deeply hurt; I mean how dare he set me up against dad? I gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the evening. Next day when I got home from school I found an apology letter from him on my bed, I read it and just couldn’t help welling up. He was 9 then so diction and grammar were inconsequential, it might not have been the best worded letter but that didn’t even matter, I was so touched by the gesture that all I could do was hug him and tell him it’s alright. It said he couldn’t live with the guilt of knowing he’d intentionally ratted on me and that he really wanted us to be friends again. I mellowed. Over time we did create a bond and managed to put all that rivalry behind us. He has remained a solid anchor in my life over the years.

How often do we swallow our pride and admit to having wronged those we love and sought forgiveness. Or do we, spurred by our egos, let meaningful relationships go down the drain. Lord knows some of us need to have a sit down with our egos. Now pick up that phone, do what you’ve got do, before things spiral out of control.

Life as we know it is full of upheaval, too much going on and sometimes the pressure to keep the balance is immense. We all need a loving hand, a support system that one should choose wisely. I always say if something or someone is adding no value to your life, out with it. It’s just extra baggage you don’t need. In the journey that is life, we need to travel as light as we possibly can. One of my closest and dearest and I used to habitually get together every Wednesday to rant and rave, celebrate or comfort each other –whatever applied- without fail. And I can’t even begin to explain the value of this and the countless hurdles it got us through, all the while laying a foundation for a beautiful friendship. Sad fact is that I don’t have my girl on close call anymore but in my heart she remains engraved, make friends we may, but not everyone has your best interests at heart. An acquaintance warned me once, be careful who you share your dreams and aspirations with cause some folk just can’t handle you being blessed. You don’t need a crowd to cheer you on just the support, love and wise counsel of the few that are genuinely concerned about your well being. And never downplay the importance of these relationships; they must be fueled, for no man is an island.

I am one person that gets really worked up when things are not going my way or as I’d wish. But we can never be in total control of circumstances and when things decide to take a down turn boy do they roll. Everything that could possibly go wrong does. When I find myself in such a situation, where everything seems to be slipping from my grip, I just look for something to distract me. I could decide that I need to get in better shape and throw myself wholeheartedly into a work out routine, or just change my look, anything to get my mind off the craziness at hand. I remember the fright of starting out on my own in a foreign country, I was reeled; and I decided the timing was perfect to sign up for the gym. The whole point was to take my mind off my fears and it helped a great deal. I felt great and in better shape to take on the demands of my new job and environment. And before I knew it, excess weight was gone and so was the anxiety I initially felt. I had slowly but surely begun to get a grip on things. What was even tougher though was breaking the ice with the people. Now normally that is never a problem at a social setting but things are different at the workplace, more so when factors to consider include cross cultural differences. Impressions, first or otherwise, are of extreme importance and it takes time and patience and a lot of wit to learn the ropes and build a good reputation and formidable liaisons, which is the ultimate objective.

One thing I decided against is mounting pressure on myself trying to piece everything together within unrealistic time frames. Getting to know people takes time, so give yourself lots of it. And projects that seem monstrous are not really that big of a deal when you break them down and work your way through the muck a step at a time. Patience with all things and chiefly with self is key. 

And for petes sake stop playing superhuman. We’re wired to only last so long, so going till you drop is the worst approach to anything. You need to take a break, to replenish, that way when you get back to a project, you’ll have a clearer fresher perspective on things. So when your mind feels like it’s on overdrive, you could let it drive you nuts or do what I do; throw on your trainers, line up some feel good music for your ear phones and hit the track. Or dance in front of a mirror.

  

  

Wonder where they all are..

I was musing about how interactions with people over the course of our lives has influenced and shaped us. Right from a tender age, from your teachers and playmates back in grade school, your first crush. I remember mine, my first crush, I thought I really loved him then again what did I know about love at that age? for all I knew love could’ve been the wonder of a beautiful butterfly fluttering about, or that wonderful feeling I got when mum came home from work with some goodies, or when we did those lovely family picnics, or when my best-friend carried extra snacks just for me, oh the excitement!! But it was so much fun just being together I mean we did not overburden each other with unrealistic expectations we accepted everyone as they were, one big happy family we all were, every day seemed like a holiday, there was so much harmony. And all these were manifestations of love in its simplest and purest form, we of course complicate it along the way as we grow up and life happens.

One thing I miss about being young is how despite of whatever catastrophes or disasters that might have been going on about us, we remained completely oblivious and so grounded in the moment it’s like we existed in a protective bubble and everything just bounced off of us. Nothing mattered more to us than the moment, we were not burdened by the worries and cares of tomorrow. We had so much energy, it’s like life just flowed through us and then growing up just saps it out of us  *sigh* Where’s the time machine??

Ok maybe all was not rosy but our greatest fears, which at the time seemed life threatening, were school bullies and the meanies who in their torment sure sharpened our survival skills; we knew just when to sprint and what not to say around who and that just about covered everything. The meanies, now that’s a frustrated lot in life; you spend your life bringing nothing but agony and grief to others and think Karma will just pass you on by? Think about it though, if it weren’t for all those encounters we wouldn’t be who we are. All those people showed us how to live like we do. Whether it’s my ex best friends who I really don’t know how we grew apart, or past loves. I sure have had experiences of what love is and isn’t.

To those I loved but never showed it enough and they were taken from me too soon or we just drifted apart, and they took away a piece of my heart. I might not be able take that back, much as I wish I could, but from that I sure learnt to appreciate and cherish loved ones better for as long as I still have them around. Then there are those that have been there from the start whose loyalties haven’t changed even in the tides of time. Timeless friendships and unions; the beauty of such people is I never need to explain myself to them because they understand me and love me, faults and all, and they only want what’s best for me. They are ever challenging and inspiring me to be better. And not even my worst profanities can keep them away.

But I’d have to say the lessons I hold dear were from those that scarred me.  Right from*Stacy who couldn’t stop running her mouth about me in grade school, for a long while I thought the problem was with me while clearly baby girl had bigger issues. All that bad mouthing was just a projection of her own shortcomings and nothing to do with me. And the likes of *Stacy don’t change much even in adulthood. But knowing that people will always have an opinion about me and how I should run mine, and that I cannot for the life of me please everyone, helps me deal with all that -if you ain’t got nothing constructive to say you could keep going till you’re out of breathe and drop dead for all I care. To *Mark whose broken soul I was so bent on loving till it mended until l I realized no amount of loving would fix his broken self. Positive change can only be brought about by one’s own acceptance that indeed they do have a problem and genuinely seeking out solutions to that problem. Love is just not enough if the one you love has no willingness to change for the better, no matter how much of it you give, and making up excuses for them trying to cover up for their flaws does not help the situation either. Hoping that you can love someone enough to change them is deluding oneself. Before long you find yourself in an emotional roller-coaster that completely drains you emotionally and physically and that is no way to live. Walk away from that.

And if you’re lucky all that wrong might be righted by an encounter with someone who forever changes your perception of love. Right from our first date I knew there was something special with this one. I went into it with an open mind and having no expectations whatsoever except to enjoy myself. I did not have the ‘Mr. Right” checker list we girls secretly carry around. We have all the wrong things on there anyway; all centered on image. Now see that’s where we go wrong. I’ve done that; stayed with someone cause we looked so good together, picture perfect but behind closed doors we could not have been more incompatible. Or because he was well off and seemed like he had a lot going for him and boy did he have a lot going; women, children, physical and emotional abuse. You get the drift.

Back to my date; expectations aside, guard down, I have never had more fun. There were no facades no fronts. He made me laugh. I felt comfortable in my skin and so did he. It was like we had been doing this for years. How do you explain being with someone for the first time and yet feeling like you’ve known them all your life? There was chemistry too; not the ardent urge for physical gratification but a palpable excitement brought about the anticipation of what could be. By the end of that evening I knew that that was the onset of something wonderful and I wasn’t wrong. He has proven to be the best thing that has happened to me in a long while. Loving him is effortless. Even after all this time, every time we get together feels like the first time. I could talk to him for days. He gets me. He sees right through me. Now would you fault me for wanting to have that for a lifetime? Didn’t think so. With him am constantly reminded that there are still some good people in the world, and that we all have a right to happiness in spite of past disappointments and failures. We might never forget the pain caused by those that did us wrong in our past but neither can we keep punishing those that we meet for others’ mistakes. We should never give up on love.

I know we all sit and wonder where all these people -that have touched our lives one way or other- are. We'll never see those days again, and things will never be that way again but that's just how it goes.

People change, but memories are forever.

Moving out of the grey

I had one of those atrociously long weeks treacherous I tell you, you know the kind that you want over on Monday? Or Saturdays in my case -Saturdays are the beginning of my week- yeah.

Ever taken apart the lyrics to a song or read something that resonated with your every emotion. I’ve been listening to a lot of Britt Nicole lately she simply inspires me, especially "The Lost Get Found" powerful song.

“Hello my friend, I remember when you were so alive with your wide eyes, till the light that you had in your heart was stolen. Now you say that it ain’t worth staying, you want to run but you’re hesitating, I'm talking to me. Don’t let your light go out don’t let your fire burn down, coz somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe, why don’t you rise up now, don’t be afraid to stand out, that’s how the lost get found”

Do you remember? When nothing was too big for you? When you were all fired up for life? When nothing could put you down? When even the toughest of challenges only stalled you but never stopped you? What happened to the passion? the zeal for life? When did you allow trials to get the best of you? Funny thing is we never realize when this is happening its like life crawls out of you and you just wake up one morning feeling a hollowness you cannot comprehend and you start to beat yourself up… “I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, so why am I feeling lost? And what of my dreams? Not too long ago they felt so real and now they just seem like delusions. I might as well quit, give up the good fight, I'm so far from where I'd want to be and I'm growing weary”. Snap out of it. The temptation to quit is always at its strongest when you are at your lowest. When you get to such a point you know it’s time to reboot and if that involves playing a song that stirs you to the point of tears, turn it up –I do that all the time.

Often times we get so caught up in the rat race we forget about the things that keep us grounded, and when that happens we begin to lose our sense of direction and start to just go through the motions and before we know it we’re just merely existing, struggling to get by with no sense of purpose or drive. At that point you either give up or retrace your steps to when you let it slip away – I strongly advocate the latter. When you quit, you will never forgive yourself for it.

So you’re at a point where you’re feeling that some change is very much needed, could be a career change or the need to venture out on your own business-wise and it might appear that you haven’t a lot of options because you feel that you haven’t got much to offer. Now that reminds me of something I read in Paulo Coelho’s The Pilgrimage, a prayer: 

"Have pity on those who are fearful of taking up a paintbrush, or an instrument, or a tool because they are afraid that someone has already done so better than they could, and who feel themselves to be unworthy to enter the marvelous mansion of art. But have even more pity on those who, having taken up the pen, or paintbrush, or the instrument, or the tool, have turned inspiration into a paltry thing, and yet feel themselves to be better than others"

We should never sell ourselves short. We are all unique, we're wired differently, and have a diverse array of skills, we have different perspectives and opinions. No two human beings are the same, what I'm trying to say is you should never be afraid to go out and try something new, it might have been done before but you can still do it albeit differently, and you just might surprise yourself and others.

“So when you get the chance, are you going to take it? There’s a really big world at your fingertips and you know you have the chance to change it. There’s a girl in the streets she’s crying, there’s a man whose faith is dying. Love is calling you.Why don’t you rise up now? Don’t be afraid to stand out. That’s how the lost get found”

Are you enjoying your life?

A friend of mine asked me that question the other day and before blurting out " isn't that a rather obvious question" I held my tongue and heard her out, and her sentiments as it turned out, were valid.

That single question triggered a string of questions -rhetoric in nature of course. Am I living each new day as if it were a gift? -because in essence it is. Do I let the people that I love and care about know that I do and often? Do I treat those around me with the same respect and regard that I expect in return? Do I go out of my way to offer help whenever I can and apologize when I can't without overburdening myself? If I want to do something do I just go ahead with it or drive myself crazy with the back and forth "should I" or "Should I not?" Am I worrying less, hoping more and loving myself most? Am I embracing all things positive or am I unnecessarily blowing up every problem? As for my soul what am I feeding it? And what about my intellect -am I tending to that too?

Life is too short -a phrase you'll never hear enough of- so live right and delight in the moment. Stop once in a while to give yourself a pat on the back for achievements made or a pep talk if you're in need of one. Don't take on commitments that you well know you won't have time for only to further complicate your life; just say no if its too much. Appreciate your friends, check up on them every once in a while and be there for them when they call on you. Always realize the worth of family, dysfunctional as it maybe, you're blessed to still have them around unlike many. Don't pass up an opportunity to do some good, it always comes back to you in folds. Don't take your health lightly either, because until you're lying helpless on a bed fighting for your life you might not quite comprehend the value of it. Don't let it get there. Eat right and put in some exercise every once in a while, it won't kill you and your body will thank you for it. As for all those things you're always planning to do for yourself (solely for self-gratification) but you keep putting them off presumably as unimportant, get to them. You should be your number one priority, period.

Treat yourself well and be kind to yourself, only then can you treat those around you as such.

A random thought if I may..

I dislike whiners, I'm sorry but there's no subtle way to put it. In any given situation there are two options; either there's something you can do about it or not. None of that includes sitting around complaining to anyone that's within earshot about your oh so catastrophic woes. There are folk who cannot see the good in anything and I mean ANYTHING. They'll never take a complement -always quick to jump in and put themselves down when given one. They are a suspicious lot too always sighting ill motive.

Now you'd better steer clear of these guys or they will wear you out, literary. Why would anyone have such a bleak outlook on life? I mean we all have issues but half the time most of them are self imposed and I don't see how constantly complaining about a problem rectifies it. Get off your bum and do something about it. Feeling overloaded lately? Maybe what you need is some re-organization in your life and re-evaluation of priorities. Feeling drained in your relationship? Maybe its time to head on out or pump some life into it.

Point is, if something's bugging you, you need to articulate it, weigh your options then get off your ass and do something about it. Not go around whining about every-single-thing-that-ain't-right-about-your-life and basically annoying everyone in the process.

And remember the best way to predict your future is to create it.

Peace.

Putting away work for the day - stopped midway of whatever I was doing, closed my worksheets (well I remembered to save them lol) withought a second thought- tomorrow is another day. I literary have to stop myself seeing as how I've become quite the workaholic lately, a fact further stressed on by my adorable man. When there's work to be done, and you actually get it done without procrastinating, you'd think this would ease the pile up on your desk but it only translates to 'efficient' a word the bosses love and that further translates into MORE workload -not a payrise- on your desk. I'm hard on trying to break that cycle before I have a meltdown...sigh

Blogging however is the highlight of my day...it's therapeutic. I like to jog -one of the many positive habits I'm picking up (will revisit that later)- and I find that my thoughts are at their most free when I jog, I can almost hear my conscience whisper to me in the wind... it's my worst critic and fervent adviser. I got to thinking, how most of the answers we seek are already lodged somewhere in our subconscious, but we're so busy scampering about - sometimes devoid of direction or purpose- to take note. It would spare us all a whole lot of trouble if for a moment -preferably before jumping into situations that could very well be averted- we would stop and bloody pay closer attention to our intuitive senses. I've learnt a thing or two about that myself I've lost count of the number of times I've had to kick myself for not listening to my sixth sense and I must say nothing sounds more annoying than my own conscience yelling at me..."I told you so sweetheart, but you just wouldn't listen now would ya?" and boy is it loud.

Its hard to keep it together when all around you appears to be falling apart -literary or figuratively- we've all been there. We like to be in control and when things are not going right we tend to feel like we're losing grip, in comes the panic and before you know it, you're falling off the edge and fast, your mind starts to drive you crazy spinning faster than a ping ball -on not so flattering thoughts mind you. In moments like this I like to pull out, yell stop-to my brain that is- and out of all the chaos pick out one thing that I actually have some amount of control over and single-mindedly focus all my attention on it. Lets be practical here I might have no control over how the weather goes -though sometimes I wish it worked like my AC complete with a remote- or the mood my bosses are in -which can be as different and diverse as their French and Indian origins and in no way predictable, or fuss over the bloody fax machine -that's not been working for as long as I've been here by the way, or the bloody housekeeping department which finds it somewhat difficult to follow simple clear instructions which I repeat to them periodically every frigging morning! I'm drifting off here - now point is, in a world where sometimes the only thing you can control is your breathing we all need survival skills. And when I find myself at a point where things are spiraling out of control I like to compartmentalize, single out everything that's driving me crazy acknowledge but dismiss (or offer up in prayer) those issues that I cannot alter (which makes worrying about them pointless), pick out those that are well within grasp, sort them out in terms of priority (which basically to me means "which of these tasks by committing to, will bring me the most satisfaction?) that's my ranking rule. And I don't just say it in my head, I write it down too it. When I can articulate my issues and actually note them down I've half way worked through them. Out of my head and down on paper -I can literary feel the pressure ebbing off of my brain as I do it. Then I proceed to work on the said tasks like my life depended on them and the results are rewarding.

This way I'm not too hard on myself.

Coming back around..

I know I'd said I'm done for the day but just as I was about to sign out I decided to check out my rather unattended *feel free to insert any adjective here that is synonymous with 'unattended'* blog. Boy has it been long, too long, but with all the things that have been unfolding in my life lately, it's understandable. Quitting my job, getting a new one and in a foreign country, falling in love-yeah that too- it's been quite a roller coaster ride and I don't think things will be slowing down anytime soon.

Not that I'm complaining, I'm actually loving the exhilaration that comes with these changes because I'd gotten to a point in my life where I was dying for change. Life had become too mundane for me, I was just going through the motions, and was quite frankly getting fed up and real fast. A word of caution though when you pursue something so vehemently, whatever it is, you're bound to attain it and we are not always armed with the right mechanisms to cope with the all new circumstances these pursuits land us in. Much as change is a good thing if you're not prepared for it, psychologically or emotionally then you might 'crush' to say the least.

I'm all about "stepping out of your comfort zone" but we all know nothing is more scarier than doing just that. I mean you spend your whole life building a structure of friends-colleagues-family, within which you exist, and with an air of confidence because you have absolute and total control over this 'structure', then along comes visionaries who are constantly compelling us to step out of this 'safe havens' in order to attain self actualization. And that is always a hard thing to ask of any one. But with that said, we cannot stay enveloped in our cocoons solely because of fear, no! There cannot be a worse infliction on self than living in constant fear, especially of the unknown, that's a terrible way to live. It holds us back from so much, not just from attaining our full potential, but from enjoying life-which I might add flies by quite fast- to the fullest.

Lets embrace Karma, appreciate that there is a force, larger than us, that is in charge-so you don't have to run around trying to micromanage every little thing and everyone, learn to let go sometimes- appreciate also that as human beings we have the amazing ability to deal with whatever life throws at us. How else would we then explain the forever told stories about men and women who have in the past and present risen above and beyond their 'confines' to achieve great and mighty things? We are all such prolific men and women in our own little subtle ways, may we never forget that. Never be afraid to step into the 'unknown' for in so doing you sermon every perceivable force in the universe to push you forward and amazing things start to happen.

Later people. I'll try make this a habit.

xxx