Grandma and her two cents worth

Every time I speak to her over the phone or pay her visit I am left reeling with laughter and with plenty of food for thought. This is why I cannot wait to see her over my vacation, plus she made me promise to anyway seeing as how she is in her "Grace years" as she likes to call them; kind of like extra time where that whistle can go off any minute. And this she says with a hint of laughter. I tell her she’ll be around for quite a while. She is a tough nut.

My grandma; I don’t even know where to begin with the phenomenal that is this woman. I am overcome with emotion whenever I think of her; this woman who raised me and to whom I remain forever indebted, who shaped my ideals, who I feel a deep and profound love and adoration for. I am in awe of her sheer strength, her unshakable Faith, her compassionate nature, her wit and wisdom and her charm. She has lived to see four generations -now that’s a feat- and all generations through we appreciate and hold her in high regard. She has touched each of our lives in a special way. We all have a tale to tell as far as this wonderful woman is concerned.

For me it’s the first few years of my life which I spent with her. When my mum was off completing her undergrad studies, my grandma nurtured me. I applaud my mother; having me young did not stop her from pursuing her dreams, and achieving them, she made no excuses, expected no sympathy nor loved me any less. She took it all in stride and pressed on. I am truly proud of her. Those are some wonderful memories -me and my grandma- I still fondly remember this lovely little basket she kept in the living room, especially for me, filled with juicy oranges freshly picked from the garden by her, which I was treated to after a long day at school, and we all know school can be pure torture for a kid.  I remember her dressing me up for church every Sunday and me sitting up next to her at the front pew. She has always played an active role in church; I admire her Faith evident in all she does and passionately stands for. She is an astute believer in God’s overall role in every aspect of our lives from creation, to our daily existence. Her Faith inspires and rouses all around her and has remained unmoved by the changing tides of time and circumstance. And it has been tested no doubt. She was not bitter at the passing of Grandpa -if anything we all drew strength from her- and as he lay in hospital, those last painful days, no one needed to tell her he was gone. She knew the exact moment he had breathed his last. How many of us can boast of such a connection with their spouse? The love those two shared I’ll be forever in awe of. They were inseparable and in an age where expressions of love or treating each other as equals was not too common, I have to commend these two. Submission as I have observed through her is not losing oneself rather it is appreciating each other’s role in a relationship and having mutual respect for each other. It’s not about yelling matches but learning to listen -difficult as it maybe- while the other is talking and then stating your case as you would to a friend and finding a middle ground, compromise. And of all else a lifetime partner should first be a friend, because for such a commitment there’s a lot more at play beyond all the temporary fiery passions. It’s not about who ‘wears the pants' in a relationship it’s about recognizing each other’s strengths and building on them and collectively applying them to build something of value. It’s not about finding fault and playing on each other’s weaknesses but rather compromise; there’s what initially attracts you to your partner, the mistake we make over time is averting our eyes from these wonderful things and focusing instead on each other’s shortcomings and before we know it we no longer feel the same, we become revolted by the sight of each other, we begin to fall out of love. You need to revert your focus back to what drew you to that person in the first place, it’s all still there you just became blinded to it over time. In doing this you will begin to cherish each other more and rekindle the flame once again. We easily lose those that we love because we never take time to make it work. She was always meek with grandpa; she let him hold the fort while she run the show behind the scenes. He adored her; his respect for her was evident. She was forever at his side, never behind him. He valued her insight. They’d claw at each other sometimes but the love was never lost and in no time they’d be laughing over a joke either of them cracked. They were a vision of happiness these two. Never did they keep in silence or let the sun go down on an argument. And when he was taken ill, she was by his side till the very end.

She is appalled at the sham we have turned the marriage institution into. Women no longer appreciate their role in marriage –we feel so liberated now we want to steer the family ship in complete disregard of the men. Men on the other hand appear to have lost sight of what their role is exactly. A marriage is a partnership, a union, not a power struggle, going about it as such beats the whole point of getting into one in the first place. Dear enlightened woman -not all men are evil and they do like to be in charge and that’s unlikely to change. Let him reign, play up his ego once in a while. So what if you are more educated? Or make more money than he does? It doesn’t make him any less of a man and there really is no point in rubbing it in, making him feel inferior in the process, that is cold and uncalled for. Dear man - excessive control over your woman is not how you assert authority, neither is aggression. Take care of your own, always, evading responsibility is a sign of weakness and just plain unacceptable. Applaud your woman’s achievements, complement her, support and protect her and work in some romance while you’re at it, we dig that. Companionship is human nature. It is possible for two people to share a happy and fulfilling life together so long as they keep their pride and ego in check, and learn not to blow up trivialities. If there’s a problem, nip it in the bud; keeping it in only yields more problems that are even harder to resolve.    

They upheld the value of hard work, my grandparents, respect for self and others, discipline, were virtues that were ingrained in us from the minute one could walk. I remember we’d all get up early, my cousins and I, and join them as they set out to pick flowers (they farmed pyrethrum) we just loved running in the endless beautiful fields; picking and laughing and playing our way through. Whatever the tasks we did them together making them less daunting. We might have been up to our necks with chores -that’s inevitable when you’re living on a farm- but we were all content because we understood what needed to be done and everyone’s role in all of it and the whooping one got if they failed to do what was expected of them. I had quite an early start on all matters work.  At the end of the day when we were all done we ran around in the grass (my grandma’s yard has the softest, forget carpeted) and played in the moonlight till she called us back to the house when it got late. One thing I admired about them is how they treated their workers; feeding them -on a daily- paying them well and on time. It was a valuable relationship they had, one of mutual respect.     

She is a fiery one my grandma, despite her diminutive nature. She needs no amplifier when she needs to be heard. She speaks her mind. She, just like many who watched as the country fought for and attain independence knows the true price of freedom. We should not take democracy for granted; we just need to look at other oppressed states and the turmoil they’re in to appreciate its worth. Allowing ourselves be influenced by our selfish so-called leaders who most times don’t see beyond their noses is truly a sad affair. Stay informed; knowledge is power. Love thy neighbor and seek divine guidance in all you do. On a lighter note she doesn’t get the logic of my prancing around in 7-inch heels which in her view are uncomfortable and worse still might leave me with a damaged ankle. I of course promptly remind her of the sky-high platforms that they rocked in their days.  She still went and got me the loveliest boots though, and what do you know, they were high heeled -how sweet. She misses the point in walking around in clothes that are barely there, we might as well walk around naked “oh how times have changed” she mourns. “Didn’t they rock them shorter in the 60’s and 70’s?” I argue, “Well back in those days people were definitely not as blatant or half as wild as the lot of you is today, running around like all the blood done rushed to your heads” she quips. She’s not overly cynical, she appreciates that times have changed, yes, what she can’t stand is how our values have become eroded over time. And I don’t blame her, a shameful lot we have become indeed; self-centered, egotistic. It’s all about self-interest, the age we’re living in; success at whatever cost, self-gain in relationships. Whatever happened to extending a hand to one in need? Most of us have lost sense of direction we live as though we are of no purpose and are more of a burden than of value to those around us. Spirituality has become fourth nature to us; no wonder we’re lost. “God save us all” she pleads.

She is loved and cherished by her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. To live to see 83 and make light of the challenges that come with old age is a reflection of a self-assurance one can only hope for, an amiable strength.

 She is blessed. In my eyes she is a legacy and I am proud to bear her name.

 

Different shades of me..

I have to credit this first to my tattoos, or rather the discovery of one them by one of my colleagues sparking off all sorts of speculation  And second to my man who is convinced I'm alien sometimes. Now before you go thinking me a freak I’d like to state that I have only two -tattoos that is- and subtle ones at that. One of them is at the nape of my neck so it’s hard to miss at times while the other is a story for another day.  “What is that!?” he yells, startling me, I almost fell off my seat. “You have a tattoo!?” he continues, “Oh, that? Well it’d appear I do” I casually reply trying to down-play it but knowing full well there is no way of wiggling out of this one or changing the subject. He can be quite persistent, my colleague. In a span of 10 minutes everyone in my department -and within ear shot at the time- was acquainted with my tattoo. “Yeah yeah” I broke out “I have a tattoo, the sun rises every morning, now people please get over it and get as you were”. No one would hear of it of course. They had a long moment with it. Then it hit me that the issue wasn't the tattoo at all but about the very fact that I had one. They were like “Flo has a tattoo? Now who would've thought?” This is because I am what they call ‘still waters’ and yes it’s true what they say about those, they do run deep. I’m a mystery to many. I come off as a snob to some, but this doesn't bother me much. I do not go on about mine to everyone who cares to listen. I do share the occasional joke and even engage in a bit of gossip but that’s as far as it goes. And most know not to mess with me, unless of course I start something. Over time I've come to appreciate that it’s of utmost importance to have and observe boundaries at the work place. Never get too close or say too much; it always gets ugly. I advise that you keep your interactions professional, don’t stretch a joke too far and learn to be intuitive of people and to do this you actually need to shut up, observe, listen, not yap on thoughtlessly (mostly for attention) embarrassing yourself in the process, do that and you will save yourself a whole lot of awkward, regrettable situations. But that is the office. And just one of my many layers, I like the different compartments that is my life.

There is the intelligent side of me that takes life way too seriously which is in sync with my spiritually inclined side and I must say I don’t like the guilt trips these two take me on. Especially when I’m busy trying to live the moment -they keep reminding me of the next. It’s that part of me that thrives on success, on deadlines and meeting them, always plotting on how to improve my self-worth or towards attaining self-actualization. Whether it’s feeding my intellect by learning more or that little voice of reason going; “So what are your future career plans? You should know time’s not waiting out on you" or “That’s enough sugar! Are you trying to eat your way to diabetes?" Often when am delving into my sinfully delicious ice-cream or pizza "And let’s not forget the calories!” And just as I am handing in payment for that lovely something I just purchased for myself “Impulse buying again huh? Just when do you intend to get round to saving with all the spending? And don’t even think about getting that credit card” And just as I'm downing that drink partying it up “you do realize alcohol is bad for you on so many levels right? And all that partying will only drain your pocket. Get off the temporary highs, will you?” Sometimes I want to shut it up so bad. Often because it sounds so much like my folks that it’s not even funny. I find myself retorting "Can I enjoy myself for one frigging moment without you interrupting me? It’s not like you’re handing me two lifetimes so take a chill pill, spare me the wise talk and zip it.” That actually works for a while. I however embrace this about me -much as it exhausts me at times- because it keeps my feet firmly rooted in reality, out of pitfalls and ever hopeful.

Miss young-at-heart with her every day is a holiday attitude. She’s playful this one. It’s always like I’m a teenager again. I shed off my Miss Independent heels and get into my kiddie flip flops making it easier to keep up with our 9 year old youngest of the brood. It’s hard to be around a child and not be one yourself. We’ll be bicycle racing, jumping on the couch  -my mum is mortified at this of course, I tell her I intend to stay young a long while and I get that “no kidding” look with a sigh and a smile. Trying to beat each other at video games, riding out with dad to check on the farm back only in time for dinner –Lord do I miss Mama’s cooking. It really doesn't matter how old you get or how grown you perceive yourself as, when it comes to the folks you’re still their little tot so take it in stride and do as you’re told and yes they still know what’s best. And when she adorns her silly hat even Charlie Chaplin ain't got nothing on her; my man would know I have him in stitches half the time. Even I don’t believe how silly I get sometimes. She loves goofing around. And we all know laughter is good for the soul. Now this child-at-heart I hope to take to the grave. She is unstoppable! Pumped up! So free and giddy with joy!  

Then there’s Miss Nurturing. Compassionate; she’s all heart this one. Often times when someone I care about approaches me with an issue, I instinctively want to do everything in my power to help. My needs take the back seat. And work myself up in the process I do. I’ll carry the weight of the problem as if it were my own and feel every bit of emotion it stirs. I find it hard to stay detached or say no sometimes. Over time though, I've come to appreciate that I won’t always be able to solve each and every problem presented to me. That saying no doesn't necessarily mean I'm not concerned; it simply means that much as I would love to help I simply can’t because I am not in a position to or because taking it on at the moment will only lead to a system overload. And with that I offer other suggestions or referrals, without feeling guilty about it. But there is something wonderful about this all too caring side of me too; like when I share something, it could be material, a gesture or written and it touches another’s life: now that is simply uplifting. At that moment I feel I have truly lived, and done something worthwhile while am at it. It may have something to do with my tutor instinct which is only natural having graduated with a bachelor in education; of that all I can say is there is something quite fulfilling about imparting knowledge on eager keen minds.  The experience is so enriching. It’s a secret passion of mine that I hope to explore at some point in my future. When you’re in the process of helping another in whatever way or form, whether it’s offering your time, wisdom or resources in essence you end up helping yourself. It’s transformational, you cannot remain the same. And when she loves she immerses herself completely in it, there’s no holding back. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt but appreciates that not everyone is worth the credit. Having her heart open, she is not spared in pain either, she bruises easily but about love; it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all for one hasn't lived until they have loved and experienced love in return. And for everything that happens, she appreciates that there is a reason or a lesson there in.

The Rebel, now this one I like to keep a leash on along with Miss Party Shoes; these two have gotten me in more trouble than I could care to count, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been pile loads of fun! They do as they please completely oblivious of naysayers. Two phrases get the former going “You can’t” worse still “you’re not cut out for it”. Those are sure to set her off on a roll just to prove that indeed she can, despite the odds. She charts her own course and is not easily fazed. When she wants something she goes out and gets it. I often reflect on how I moved out of home. I had gotten to that stage in life where I felt all mature and ready to take on the world and quite frankly I’d grown tired of the rules and curfews that came with living with the folks. Now I knew the only way I’d be let off was if I could prove to my hard-to-convince dad that I was capable of taking on that kind of responsibility and what better way than to scout for a job and get one all by my own. I love the look of awe my dad gave me when I spat out “I got a job!” he wasn’t even aware I was looking. “Well, congratulations!” This was my first job and I was so proud of myself at that moment I could’ve handed me a trophy. So after a couple of months I felt it was time to move out and let’s just say that bit of news was not well received. “This is only your first job!” Fired my dad, “Have you even thought about what living alone entails? The costs involved? It's not just about freedom you know!” My only response was “Well if I don’t get to it now I’ll never learn will I?” he instantly knew this was a losing battle because when I resolve to do something, it’s pretty much done, there’s no point in trying to stop me whether it was going out all weekend with my friends -the trouble this got me into- or getting my first job and ultimately deciding to move out. And so it has been with most pursuits in my life from way back leading up to the here and now. Telling me I can't only fires up the urge to prove the contrary. Tying me down only spurs the need to break free. She has broken many a hearts along the way this one, the moment is all she’s about, having a ball, and making no apologies for any of it, did I mention having a ball? Fearless, dramatic, bold and fun, tame her I do try but it’s no easy task being the free spirit that she is. But the thing I love about her is that she beat the odds and did what they said she couldn’t. She’s fallen many a times but every time she has picked herself up and moved forward, chin up. She makes mistakes but she knows better than to dwell on them. She has grown in confidence despite a troubled past, embraced her weakness and learnt to build on her strengths. She knows the importance of forgiveness and letting bygones be. She’s fully aware that only she is in charge of her destiny drawing inspiration from within, from those that mean her well and from the creator of all that is beautiful; God. She cries when she needs to, laughs heartily and is not afraid to love. Or start over. She’s at peace with self. And naturally it is she that decided tattoos were a good idea and the rest only thanked her for it. As for Miss Party Shoes, I take her out every so often, all I can say of her is she has a flare for life and she sure can get down.

Do I have a predominant personality? Not really I tend to glide from one to another and I like that about me. I don’t have a favorite color but colors to suit the different shades that are me, neither do I have a favorite song it’s more the Music of My Life which am always moving in rhythm to, not missing a beat. And if there was a thing I could change about me it would have to be nothing. I love every layer that is this woman and everything she’s about, flaws and all.

Embrace all that is you and love thyself!

Expressions of gratitude

As I write this Nickelback is on and loud, ‘If today was your last day’ is playing at the moment, I love Nickelback, one of my all-time favourite bands however I'm not going to get into living in the moment today, or what I’m wearing at the moment -totally unrelated and unimportant I know- do pardon my banter.

I had encounters today that just blew me away, all centered on appreciation.  There I am going about my work which basically revolves around staff and their insurmountable needs –welcome to the world of Human Resources. Is it interesting you might ask? I’ll give it that, when you're dealing with people you're in for different pleasant or not so pleasant experiences every time, depending on the kind of mood the said persons are in. I'm amazed at how different yet seemingly alike we all are as human beings; one thing might be common sense to you but to another it might as well be one of those insolvable calculus problems. Our thought processes are something of an enigma, and so are our perspectives, but all that diversity is what keeps life interesting. Now where was I? Right, now once you’re well acquainted with what it is that you do, things tend to become mechanical over time, you simply just go through the motions knowing what is expected of you and meeting those expectations, period. Now your hard work might or might not get the recognition you know it well deserves but that doesn’t stop you from giving your tasks your all. My advice: You just keep doing what you do, best as you can and soon enough respect and recognition are sure to follow, remember they are earned not demanded.

So in my daily arduous task of trying to attend to quite a number of staff and their just as many needs, and someone stops me with a “thank you miss, you’ve been very gracious” or a hug I swear this one just got me, she came to the office wanting to meet the boss and I was in the middle of politely explaining how she’d need to wait out a while and she just reaches out and hugs me saying she can’t but she’ll be back later, are we close? Nope. I was stumped. Or when am held up in the office not having as much as 10 minutes to grab a snack and some kind soul brings by some pastries, or delightful Turkish delights, sweet. Or when my boss offers to make coffee; now I find that very kind, rare but kind.  It’s so gratifying when one is appreciated. It could be a gesture, kind words or a gift, in whatever form it motivates you to keep at it. Much as most of us would appreciate a pay rise rather than a “you’re doing a commendable job” at the workplace we can’t ignore how uplifting such praise is. And when you stop concerning yourself with the money and titles for a minute and focus on your job and actually doing it well, you’ll be surprised at how far that’ll propel you. As you do so, you build a good reputation first for yourself due to your good work ethic and eventually for your work. At that point if and when you approach the boss for that pay rise or promotion you won’t come off as a whining disgruntled employee, you’ll have earned the right to ask for it, having proved yourself an asset over time. Notice how everything takes time? Trust me cutting corners will cut you short at some point. You have to go through the process.

In the hustle and bustle that is our days let us not forget to appreciate those that go out of their way to offer assistance or service to us. It might be their job to do so but they are human. Touch a heart, put a smile on someone’s face, make their day, the replicate effect on oneself is amazing.

Be good. Stay inspired.

Of little things and their weight..

By the end of the week I'm normally treading a thin rope as far as my energy reserves go. Interestingly though, I got home last night and out of the blue decided that my living space needed revamping. Drained as I was I somehow found the energy to drag furniture around and do some cleaning –the things one can do when they’re inspired. Now it’s not that there was anything particularly wrong with the space as it was, I just felt like a change just to elevate my mood. I labored tirelessly and was quite pleased with the results. In the end I had a sparkling pad that looked refreshingly different. And just like that I felt better my long week forgotten. I then lit some scented candles turned on the music of our lives and got to boogieing in front of the mirror -yeah I still do that- and I'm afraid I might never outgrow that. It’s a great stress buster and a fun way to take the edge off after my long days. And watching oneself goofing around in front of the mirror is bound to crack a smile out of even the hardest of souls. And if you can learn to loosen up and laugh at yourself every so often (it's never that serious you know) then you've unearthed one of life's treasures.

I then called the family and I think I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard this question from my kid bro “when are you coming home??” and it always grips my heart because I can no longer do those random show-ups for dinner with his favourite pizza in hand. You know absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Before moving away I couldn’t stand the chaos that was our house most times, but being miles away as I am now, I’d give anything to experience that if only for a minute. Chasing kid bro around the house cleaning up after him -love him to bits, his coming into this world really brought all of us closer together as a family he was God sent- my dad and his elaborate but informative lectures on every single thing -he is an academician at heart an intelligent and wise man whose story about his rise to the top inspires us all and everyone that meets him, my mum reproaching me for one thing or other –I’ve always been quite a piece of work and no one knows this best than my mum and in spite of it all she still loves me unconditionally. I am amazed by this woman’s strength and her faith; the things she has been through are a testament that indeed there is a God and we might be weak but He is strong enough to take us through whatever we might be dealing with, all that and her sense of humour just makes me swell with pride for her. She doesn’t stop either, recently signing up for her PHD, all I could say is you go girl! I miss my family, and when small bro ardently responded “we miss you too” on the phone I was on the brink of tears. Dysfunctional or not family is simply irreplaceable, something to cherish.

 The family.  We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.  ~Erma Bombeck

I remember years ago when my younger brother and I were at each other’s necks constantly, sibling rivalry they call it. I should pause here and say I'm glad we outgrew that, I love that young man so much am so proud of what he has achieved, of the fine man he’s grown into, of his ability to rise against the odds and not lose his identity in the crowd –something most of us still struggle with. I admire his passion for the things he believes in as his loyalty to those he loves. Ok I’ll stop now, am getting all emotional. So there was this one time I lashed out at him for messing with my stuff –for like the zillionth time- it seemed he took pleasure in ticking me off. I admit I was really harsh but he asked for it. Smart little brat then run off and told on me to dad, of course twisting the story to make me look bad, and man did I get a whooping  -when you’re the first born everything is mostly your fault because you should always know better- so not fair. I was deeply hurt; I mean how dare he set me up against dad? I gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the evening. Next day when I got home from school I found an apology letter from him on my bed, I read it and just couldn’t help welling up. He was 9 then so diction and grammar were inconsequential, it might not have been the best worded letter but that didn’t even matter, I was so touched by the gesture that all I could do was hug him and tell him it’s alright. It said he couldn’t live with the guilt of knowing he’d intentionally ratted on me and that he really wanted us to be friends again. I mellowed. Over time we did create a bond and managed to put all that rivalry behind us. He has remained a solid anchor in my life over the years.

How often do we swallow our pride and admit to having wronged those we love and sought forgiveness. Or do we, spurred by our egos, let meaningful relationships go down the drain. Lord knows some of us need to have a sit down with our egos. Now pick up that phone, do what you’ve got do, before things spiral out of control.

Life as we know it is full of upheaval, too much going on and sometimes the pressure to keep the balance is immense. We all need a loving hand, a support system that one should choose wisely. I always say if something or someone is adding no value to your life, out with it. It’s just extra baggage you don’t need. In the journey that is life, we need to travel as light as we possibly can. One of my closest and dearest and I used to habitually get together every Wednesday to rant and rave, celebrate or comfort each other –whatever applied- without fail. And I can’t even begin to explain the value of this and the countless hurdles it got us through, all the while laying a foundation for a beautiful friendship. Sad fact is that I don’t have my girl on close call anymore but in my heart she remains engraved, make friends we may, but not everyone has your best interests at heart. An acquaintance warned me once, be careful who you share your dreams and aspirations with cause some folk just can’t handle you being blessed. You don’t need a crowd to cheer you on just the support, love and wise counsel of the few that are genuinely concerned about your well being. And never downplay the importance of these relationships; they must be fueled, for no man is an island.

I am one person that gets really worked up when things are not going my way or as I’d wish. But we can never be in total control of circumstances and when things decide to take a down turn boy do they roll. Everything that could possibly go wrong does. When I find myself in such a situation, where everything seems to be slipping from my grip, I just look for something to distract me. I could decide that I need to get in better shape and throw myself wholeheartedly into a work out routine, or just change my look, anything to get my mind off the craziness at hand. I remember the fright of starting out on my own in a foreign country, I was reeled; and I decided the timing was perfect to sign up for the gym. The whole point was to take my mind off my fears and it helped a great deal. I felt great and in better shape to take on the demands of my new job and environment. And before I knew it, excess weight was gone and so was the anxiety I initially felt. I had slowly but surely begun to get a grip on things. What was even tougher though was breaking the ice with the people. Now normally that is never a problem at a social setting but things are different at the workplace, more so when factors to consider include cross cultural differences. Impressions, first or otherwise, are of extreme importance and it takes time and patience and a lot of wit to learn the ropes and build a good reputation and formidable liaisons, which is the ultimate objective.

One thing I decided against is mounting pressure on myself trying to piece everything together within unrealistic time frames. Getting to know people takes time, so give yourself lots of it. And projects that seem monstrous are not really that big of a deal when you break them down and work your way through the muck a step at a time. Patience with all things and chiefly with self is key. 

And for petes sake stop playing superhuman. We’re wired to only last so long, so going till you drop is the worst approach to anything. You need to take a break, to replenish, that way when you get back to a project, you’ll have a clearer fresher perspective on things. So when your mind feels like it’s on overdrive, you could let it drive you nuts or do what I do; throw on your trainers, line up some feel good music for your ear phones and hit the track. Or dance in front of a mirror.

  

  

Wonder where they all are..

I was musing about how interactions with people over the course of our lives has influenced and shaped us. Right from a tender age, from your teachers and playmates back in grade school, your first crush. I remember mine, my first crush, I thought I really loved him then again what did I know about love at that age? for all I knew love could’ve been the wonder of a beautiful butterfly fluttering about, or that wonderful feeling I got when mum came home from work with some goodies, or when we did those lovely family picnics, or when my best-friend carried extra snacks just for me, oh the excitement!! But it was so much fun just being together I mean we did not overburden each other with unrealistic expectations we accepted everyone as they were, one big happy family we all were, every day seemed like a holiday, there was so much harmony. And all these were manifestations of love in its simplest and purest form, we of course complicate it along the way as we grow up and life happens.

One thing I miss about being young is how despite of whatever catastrophes or disasters that might have been going on about us, we remained completely oblivious and so grounded in the moment it’s like we existed in a protective bubble and everything just bounced off of us. Nothing mattered more to us than the moment, we were not burdened by the worries and cares of tomorrow. We had so much energy, it’s like life just flowed through us and then growing up just saps it out of us  *sigh* Where’s the time machine??

Ok maybe all was not rosy but our greatest fears, which at the time seemed life threatening, were school bullies and the meanies who in their torment sure sharpened our survival skills; we knew just when to sprint and what not to say around who and that just about covered everything. The meanies, now that’s a frustrated lot in life; you spend your life bringing nothing but agony and grief to others and think Karma will just pass you on by? Think about it though, if it weren’t for all those encounters we wouldn’t be who we are. All those people showed us how to live like we do. Whether it’s my ex best friends who I really don’t know how we grew apart, or past loves. I sure have had experiences of what love is and isn’t.

To those I loved but never showed it enough and they were taken from me too soon or we just drifted apart, and they took away a piece of my heart. I might not be able take that back, much as I wish I could, but from that I sure learnt to appreciate and cherish loved ones better for as long as I still have them around. Then there are those that have been there from the start whose loyalties haven’t changed even in the tides of time. Timeless friendships and unions; the beauty of such people is I never need to explain myself to them because they understand me and love me, faults and all, and they only want what’s best for me. They are ever challenging and inspiring me to be better. And not even my worst profanities can keep them away.

But I’d have to say the lessons I hold dear were from those that scarred me.  Right from*Stacy who couldn’t stop running her mouth about me in grade school, for a long while I thought the problem was with me while clearly baby girl had bigger issues. All that bad mouthing was just a projection of her own shortcomings and nothing to do with me. And the likes of *Stacy don’t change much even in adulthood. But knowing that people will always have an opinion about me and how I should run mine, and that I cannot for the life of me please everyone, helps me deal with all that -if you ain’t got nothing constructive to say you could keep going till you’re out of breathe and drop dead for all I care. To *Mark whose broken soul I was so bent on loving till it mended until l I realized no amount of loving would fix his broken self. Positive change can only be brought about by one’s own acceptance that indeed they do have a problem and genuinely seeking out solutions to that problem. Love is just not enough if the one you love has no willingness to change for the better, no matter how much of it you give, and making up excuses for them trying to cover up for their flaws does not help the situation either. Hoping that you can love someone enough to change them is deluding oneself. Before long you find yourself in an emotional roller-coaster that completely drains you emotionally and physically and that is no way to live. Walk away from that.

And if you’re lucky all that wrong might be righted by an encounter with someone who forever changes your perception of love. Right from our first date I knew there was something special with this one. I went into it with an open mind and having no expectations whatsoever except to enjoy myself. I did not have the ‘Mr. Right” checker list we girls secretly carry around. We have all the wrong things on there anyway; all centered on image. Now see that’s where we go wrong. I’ve done that; stayed with someone cause we looked so good together, picture perfect but behind closed doors we could not have been more incompatible. Or because he was well off and seemed like he had a lot going for him and boy did he have a lot going; women, children, physical and emotional abuse. You get the drift.

Back to my date; expectations aside, guard down, I have never had more fun. There were no facades no fronts. He made me laugh. I felt comfortable in my skin and so did he. It was like we had been doing this for years. How do you explain being with someone for the first time and yet feeling like you’ve known them all your life? There was chemistry too; not the ardent urge for physical gratification but a palpable excitement brought about the anticipation of what could be. By the end of that evening I knew that that was the onset of something wonderful and I wasn’t wrong. He has proven to be the best thing that has happened to me in a long while. Loving him is effortless. Even after all this time, every time we get together feels like the first time. I could talk to him for days. He gets me. He sees right through me. Now would you fault me for wanting to have that for a lifetime? Didn’t think so. With him am constantly reminded that there are still some good people in the world, and that we all have a right to happiness in spite of past disappointments and failures. We might never forget the pain caused by those that did us wrong in our past but neither can we keep punishing those that we meet for others’ mistakes. We should never give up on love.

I know we all sit and wonder where all these people -that have touched our lives one way or other- are. We'll never see those days again, and things will never be that way again but that's just how it goes.

People change, but memories are forever.

Moving out of the grey

I had one of those atrociously long weeks treacherous I tell you, you know the kind that you want over on Monday? Or Saturdays in my case -Saturdays are the beginning of my week- yeah.

Ever taken apart the lyrics to a song or read something that resonated with your every emotion. I’ve been listening to a lot of Britt Nicole lately she simply inspires me, especially "The Lost Get Found" powerful song.

“Hello my friend, I remember when you were so alive with your wide eyes, till the light that you had in your heart was stolen. Now you say that it ain’t worth staying, you want to run but you’re hesitating, I'm talking to me. Don’t let your light go out don’t let your fire burn down, coz somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe, why don’t you rise up now, don’t be afraid to stand out, that’s how the lost get found”

Do you remember? When nothing was too big for you? When you were all fired up for life? When nothing could put you down? When even the toughest of challenges only stalled you but never stopped you? What happened to the passion? the zeal for life? When did you allow trials to get the best of you? Funny thing is we never realize when this is happening its like life crawls out of you and you just wake up one morning feeling a hollowness you cannot comprehend and you start to beat yourself up… “I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, so why am I feeling lost? And what of my dreams? Not too long ago they felt so real and now they just seem like delusions. I might as well quit, give up the good fight, I'm so far from where I'd want to be and I'm growing weary”. Snap out of it. The temptation to quit is always at its strongest when you are at your lowest. When you get to such a point you know it’s time to reboot and if that involves playing a song that stirs you to the point of tears, turn it up –I do that all the time.

Often times we get so caught up in the rat race we forget about the things that keep us grounded, and when that happens we begin to lose our sense of direction and start to just go through the motions and before we know it we’re just merely existing, struggling to get by with no sense of purpose or drive. At that point you either give up or retrace your steps to when you let it slip away – I strongly advocate the latter. When you quit, you will never forgive yourself for it.

So you’re at a point where you’re feeling that some change is very much needed, could be a career change or the need to venture out on your own business-wise and it might appear that you haven’t a lot of options because you feel that you haven’t got much to offer. Now that reminds me of something I read in Paulo Coelho’s The Pilgrimage, a prayer: 

"Have pity on those who are fearful of taking up a paintbrush, or an instrument, or a tool because they are afraid that someone has already done so better than they could, and who feel themselves to be unworthy to enter the marvelous mansion of art. But have even more pity on those who, having taken up the pen, or paintbrush, or the instrument, or the tool, have turned inspiration into a paltry thing, and yet feel themselves to be better than others"

We should never sell ourselves short. We are all unique, we're wired differently, and have a diverse array of skills, we have different perspectives and opinions. No two human beings are the same, what I'm trying to say is you should never be afraid to go out and try something new, it might have been done before but you can still do it albeit differently, and you just might surprise yourself and others.

“So when you get the chance, are you going to take it? There’s a really big world at your fingertips and you know you have the chance to change it. There’s a girl in the streets she’s crying, there’s a man whose faith is dying. Love is calling you.Why don’t you rise up now? Don’t be afraid to stand out. That’s how the lost get found”

Are you enjoying your life?

A friend of mine asked me that question the other day and before blurting out " isn't that a rather obvious question" I held my tongue and heard her out, and her sentiments as it turned out, were valid.

That single question triggered a string of questions -rhetoric in nature of course. Am I living each new day as if it were a gift? -because in essence it is. Do I let the people that I love and care about know that I do and often? Do I treat those around me with the same respect and regard that I expect in return? Do I go out of my way to offer help whenever I can and apologize when I can't without overburdening myself? If I want to do something do I just go ahead with it or drive myself crazy with the back and forth "should I" or "Should I not?" Am I worrying less, hoping more and loving myself most? Am I embracing all things positive or am I unnecessarily blowing up every problem? As for my soul what am I feeding it? And what about my intellect -am I tending to that too?

Life is too short -a phrase you'll never hear enough of- so live right and delight in the moment. Stop once in a while to give yourself a pat on the back for achievements made or a pep talk if you're in need of one. Don't take on commitments that you well know you won't have time for only to further complicate your life; just say no if its too much. Appreciate your friends, check up on them every once in a while and be there for them when they call on you. Always realize the worth of family, dysfunctional as it maybe, you're blessed to still have them around unlike many. Don't pass up an opportunity to do some good, it always comes back to you in folds. Don't take your health lightly either, because until you're lying helpless on a bed fighting for your life you might not quite comprehend the value of it. Don't let it get there. Eat right and put in some exercise every once in a while, it won't kill you and your body will thank you for it. As for all those things you're always planning to do for yourself (solely for self-gratification) but you keep putting them off presumably as unimportant, get to them. You should be your number one priority, period.

Treat yourself well and be kind to yourself, only then can you treat those around you as such.